Slowly surfacing from the muck (written on 7/26)

Just want to check in and say that I’m feeling more balanced today. This last grief wave was a doozy and left me feeling way less confident about my ability to handle my life with any sense of normalcy. Read the rest of this entry »

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Surf’s down

Okay, things have settled down in my heart and brain quite a bit.  And I’ve escaped the hideous Alabama weather.

We’re in San Francisco today with plans to visit Chinatown.  Am staying with my dear friend Gwen and that is great. Read the rest of this entry »

Yuck

Its amazing how much pain one can carry while walking around in one’s daily life. Especially interesting is that I can do this without most people being aware that I’m a wreck.

If I say I’m having a bad week, most people act surprised.   “Why?” they ask.  At that point, I don’t even have the energy to explain its because my life has been destroyed and there really is no way for me to fix it. Read the rest of this entry »

My babies’ daddy

I’d like to clarify and apologize for some of my more recent entries.

I want to make it clear that I am getting help and support from people, and for this I am grateful.

I think one of the things that makes all of this so hard, though, is that Mike was such an involved and hands on father.  We really had a nearly unspoken and I feel equal division of labor and skills when it came to the children.  I so appreciated that when I had it and I miss it terribly now. Read the rest of this entry »

Meditation weekend–would like to arrange playdates

I am interested in volunteering to assist during a meditation weekend at the Birmingham Shambhala Meditation Center on the weekend of September 5-7 (this is NOT Labor Day weekend). Basically, its Friday evening, Saturday 8-5 and Sunday morning til noon.

I don’t think I’ll attend the entire time, but would like to help/peek in on some of the class during these times.

Is there anyone out there that could help with childcare during that weekend, even for a few hours? Read the rest of this entry »

Anyone take a stab at interpreting this dream?

I dreamed I was driving a late model luxury car.  An early 70’s, or late 60’s red Caddie perhaps, with white leather seats.  It was huge, luxurious, a very comfortable ride.

For some reason, I wanted to drive it really fast, so I gunned it, but the wheels kept spinning out on wet leaves on the road.  I was kind of frustrated, because I wanted to go fast and wasn’t getting anywhere and could tell the car didn’t like it.  The engine started smelling funny, like burning oil.

Suddenly, I felt this unbelievably peaceful feeling wash over me and through my heart and then it just flooded throughout my body.

And then Mike was next to me, looking slightly amused and slightly sorry for me all at the same time.  He suggested that the car might need some oil.  I just about broke down and cried with gratitude that someone cared for me so much and loved me so much in this situation. Read the rest of this entry »

Good (?) Grief

Something funny that they never taught you about grief in school; it is very complex, yet it can appear suddenly and forcefully as a tsunami, leaving one literally choking for air.

Or it can hover, lurking in the shadows, ready to drift into the open, like the sun poking through the clouds and eventually outshining any feelings of joy, passion, excitement, boredom, melancholy or whatever might be the dominant feeling of the moment.

And most cruelly of all, it can seemingly disappear, sometimes for weeks at a time, leaving the unwary caught by surprise when it unequivocally demands attention yet again. Read the rest of this entry »

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